lovin love.

it was friday morning & my sister & i were getting breakfast with a friend of ours in nc.

from the booth we were in, i had a clear view of the door. & on his way out was an older man who went to my old church there. i spotted him & my friend immediately ran over to hug him.

before we knew it, he & his cane were making their way over to us & we were about to eat breakfast with george spurlock. aka “georgie”.

 

he flirted with the waitresses & we shook our heads. he told us about growing old & getting into mischief & having no regrets. then he told us about his wife.

“she was five foot two & her eyes were blue,” he told us.

every day after she got off work, he waited for her at the bus stop. until he eventually bought her a new car. “one with the white tires…”

he pursued her for five years.

five whole years. waiting for love.

“& every tear, prayer, attempt… every second was worth it.

//

georgie was right. every second is worth it when it comes to love. every word whispered, every moment that ends up engraved in our memories, every laugh shared. i’m so head over heels in love with love these days.

it’s importance, what it means.

& how it’s showed in such different ways for different people. how such a small word can be so big, while meaning something different to me than it does to you.

why is it so easy to get lost in love? how is it that love holds a power that trumps all else?

the power to build, with the same amount of power to tear down.

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the distances a person will go for love. the places it takes us.

it’s ability to make just about anything worth it. like standing in the rain. or waiting at bus stops for five years.

love changes us.

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we get these desires in our hearts, these yearnings… to let love change us. to impact others. to show then the realist love there is. the truest kind.

the realest & truest & kindest of loves, however, isn’t created by these hands. it’s not by us, but by God.

we’re just a bunch of empty vessels. simply His means of transportation for love.

love that goes beyond just us.

but in order to shed this type of love on those around us, we have to set ourselves aside. we have to get rid of our filth & pray the hard prayers. we have to remove our flesh & fix our eyes.

when we let our love go beyond who we are, our love will find a special way of settling on people.

georgie, to me, portrays such a Jesus love. how his love for his wife changed him. it made everything worth it.

even after patty died, every second was worth it for georgie.

& that’s how Jesus sees us.

though we may resist. though we may try to be bigger for years & years before we let go & submit to God’s unfailing love. though we may fight it… Jesus sees us as worth it.

to Him, we are perfect in all our imperfections. in all our resisting & fighting & trying to be big. we are perfect to Him. we are meant to be small.

& this love has found a special way of settling on me.

 

psalms 139:23 & 24 say :

“search me O God, & know my heart : try me, & know my thoughts : & see if there be any wicked way in me , & lead me in the way everlasting.”

& that is my prayer.

it’s not an easy prayer. but “Lord –

i want you to show me my wickedness. i want to stare it straight in the face.

show me my wrongs & how i’ve gone astray.

because i know things are different in my life. new surroundings, new people… less of You.

i wish it wasn’t this way. i wish we could all just stop struggling.

but Lord, You are a God of new beginnings. You are a God of starting over.

creating newness.

& i pray that You do this in me. for i know i cannot change on my own.

it’s not by my own strength, it’s not through a love i can produce.

but by You.”

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//

i remember praying that prayer in my journal back in march, months before my breakfast with georgie. the man who waited five years for his wife.

i wrote in my journal a day or two after,

“today felt like a day of new beginnings. a fresh start in a new direction. a scary one, but one that’s good.”

i added to my never-ending prayer that God would teach me to need Him again. to show me that i can’t do it alone.

& i’m finding myself back here once again. seeking Jesus to be a bigger part of my day. a bigger part of me in general. who i am.

i want people to see me & think, “what is it that sets this girl apart?”

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i’m really good at failing God. i know that the last time i did won’t be the last time i ever do. because i’m human & humans suck.

i’m gonna keep forgetting to do my devos & i’m gonna keep getting into fights with momma & i’m gonna keep making crappy decisions like eating half the oreo pie & thinking it won’t make me wanna vomit after. i’m gonna keep messing up.

& i’m willing to bet you are too.

 

but there’s grace. Lord Jesus, thank You for grace.

a grace that covers all my ugly.

that’s what sets this girl apart. it’s not just how she loves, but how she loves because of Jesus’ love.

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for i am poor & needy. i can do so little on my own.

on my own two feet.

it’s not enough to hold me up. it’s not enough to hold me together.

but grace is. the love of Jesus is.

a love that rescued us before we knew we even needed saving.

a love by the only One who sustains & secures & loves this wild heart so passionately.

the One who heals our wounds & kisses our scars.

 

“Lord, let Your love change me.”

 

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2 thoughts on “lovin love.

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